My Implication in the Abuse of Women

"She's one of the walking wounded

But the bleeding doesn't show

Behind the wall around her heart 

Where none are allowed to go

It's been this way for so long now

She can't remember when

She could still hope for tomorrow 

So instead she just pretends"

~Don Fransisco, "Walking Wounded"

"You used to speak so easy

Now you're afraid to talk to me

It's like walking with the wounded

Carrying that weight way too far

The concrete pulled you down so hard

Out there with the wounded

We're missing you"

~Third Eye Blind, "Wounded"

"Waiting, watching the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop

Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech

As he opens the door, she rolls over...

Pretends to sleep as he looks her over

She lies and says she's in love with him

Can't find a better man

She dreams in color, she dreams in red

Can't find a better man"

~Pearl Jam, "Better Man"

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful..."

-1st Peter 3:3-5

I am reading Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues and finding it both fascinating and disheartening. For about the past year, I've read and listened to everything I can get my hands or ears on that relates to sexuality, women, the porn industry, singleness, etc and really plan on continuing. Now, I'm well aware of the warning that Sean (Robin Williams' character) gave in Good Will Hunting:

"You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally, I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't read in some f***ing book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in..."

Indeed, there are limitations to the connections and conclusions we can make from literature, and it definitely doesn't replace real life experience, but between the two--reading and life experiences--I am building up schema about sex that has been lacking for a long time. And I'm comfortable enough with myself to admit that.

I grew up in a home--like many other homes, I think--where we didn't talk about sex, other than that I supposedly wasn't supposed to "do it" until I was married. So much of what I learned about sex at a younger age--despite my dad and my very awkward attempt at a "birds and the bees" conversation--was learned in locker rooms and spoken in what was a foreign language to me. You can imagine how distorted it all was, but I just listened and tried to "use context clues" to figure it all out. I can't help but recall Lauren Winner's observation, in her book Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity (a great resource by the way), that in much of American society, people don't talk much about sex in public, but many of us are certainly not shy about expressing our sexuality in public (PDA, couples having sex in parks and on beaches, internet porn, etc.), which is just so backward.

My conviction is getting stronger that one of my mentors, Dr. Steve Garber (author of The Fabric of Faithfulness who resides in Falls Church, Virginia) gets it right when he says that sexuality is so central to who we are that it is naive to think that we can really thrive in this world and find quality solutions in politics, education, globalization, the arts, etc. without first properly understanding our sexuality (if you can get your hands on the September issue of Comment Magazine, check out his "Sex is Easier than Love: Why Sexuality is at the Very Heart of Life and Learning" article).

Ensler's book pulls bits and pieces from interviews and stories all over the world, stories of wounds, empowerment, and healing in various women. Basically, they talk about their vaginas a lot, which is something some of them have never done before.

While there is much in the Ensler book and interviews that I would not recommend for everyone and that I certainly do not endorse--I definitely don't share the secular feminist worldview that runs commonly throughout the book--I do believe in the empowerment of women (though I don't think that's necessarily and always mutually exclusive from domesticity). I also believe that women are precious and--like men--made in the very image of their Creator and deserve to be treated as such. Men and women are not the same--in my view--but they are most certainly equal, that is to say their worth, value, and importance are equal. The way religious texts have been used to manipulate this equality and to justify male oppressiveness of women is despicable. And that some have to live in a world of constant fear, depression, self-doubt, vulnerability, and God knows how many other negative emotions, is just as disgusting.

I remember very vividly an experience as a high school student at Culver when someone came in to talk about male violence and abuse of and toward women. While I remember nothing of what was said or who said it, I do remember the follow-up conversations that took place formally in dorms, I remember my baseball coach jokingly referring to it as "sensitivity training," and I remember arguing with my girlfriend at the time about the whole thing. I remember being passionate and a bit angry--stuff like that always seemed aimed at trying to make guys feel guilty--and claiming "It's not my problem. I'm not the one doing it."

While I was correct that I had never physically violated a woman, and that I shouldn't feel guilty, I do feel shame. There are faces now for me, faces of intimate family members, close friends, girls I have dated. Sobering stories about systematic practices in war that violate women. I have learned that many of the gross statistics we hear about how many girls have been abused or harassed physically, sexually, and verbally are at least pretty close and may even be underestimated. How could I not feel shame that males all over the globe steal the innocence and dignity away from God's beautiful creations? Put simply, I was wrong the day I said it wasn't my problem. It is my problem. Another thing Garber taught me was that to know about is to be implicated. What we do with that knowledge varies, but nevertheless, we are implicated whether we want to be or not.

So thank you to the Eve Enslers in the world for participating in and encouraging the healing process, being implicated and walking beside, so many wounded women who deserve freedom, healing, confidence, and joy.